By the grace of God, I have never known a life without the presence and love of Jesus, as reflected by my parents and other impactful people around me. While I have always carried a deep belief in the Lord, my actions and thought patterns often did not reflect an abiding trust in Him. In trying to overcontrol, I prevented myself from experiencing the abundance God has for me — an abundance that looks far different from the world’s standards but is infinitely richer.
My dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer weeks before our first child was born. Simultaneously, the Lord was calling us to move across the state, leaving behind the comfort of familiarity. These circumstances required a new dependence, leading to a deeper connection with Christ than I have ever felt before. The Lord used my joy and sorrow co-existing as a means to know Him more intimately, pray more honestly, and lead me further into who He created me to be.
On a particularly challenging day, I sensed a gentle whisper from the Lord saying, “Watch how I take care of you.” The word watch elicits active participation without being in control. It is an invitation to pay attention to where God is and what He is doing. I am clumsily learning an openhanded posture of trust over understanding.
Cancer is still a reality for our family, as are the delights and limitations that come with having two kids under two years old and a life in ministry. In the midst of immense joy and pain, I have found peace in the Lord’s presence as He teaches me what it means to trust Him.