As a young, zealous follower of Christ, I often found myself frustrated with the Israelites in the Old Testament. So many times, they questioned God and turned away from Him completely. After everything they saw, how could they ever doubt?
And then I became a mother. Quite literally overnight, I was responsible for the safety, upbringing, and spiritual formation of a new life. My days were dedicated to cloth diapering, nursing, and every other crunchy new mom fad I could find. Though there was so much joy and gratitude for my children, guilt, shame, and comparison started to leech onto me. The girl I was before was gone. Where she saw only possibility and adventure, the new woman saw risk and uncertainty.
While I was definitely uncertain about how to be a mother, I was most uncertain about God’s goodness. I felt abandoned and in the wilderness. I felt desperate. Often, when people get desperate, they do one of two things: cling tighter to what they know is true or start blaming. I did the latter. I blamed God for all the things that I thought had gone wrong. And mostly, I doubted that God had good things for me. In this season, I very much identified with the Israelites.
Amazingly, over time, through prayer, community, and seeking God’s heart, a new woman emerged. I was no longer young, naive, and a little arrogant. And I also wasn’t doubtful and insecure (most of the time). I had been made new. I am still being made new. I am not sure it ever stops this side of Heaven. Praise God for that because I like the woman He is shaping me into. I am grateful for a God who sees us, knows us, and knows who He would like us to become.